Many of you have asked me to give a report on this year's fashion trends based on what I saw at the Food and Wine Festival. By now you must have a deep understanding as to my sense of fashion (or lack thereof) and also an unwavering trust in my observant eye.
I have already dashed all of your hopes to the ground in the previous blog when dishing the big news of the year, that Sparkly Butt jeans are Out. There were not very many fancified fannies there, mine being one of them.
If you were planning to dig out your strapless elastic-topped shirt and flaunt it around with your skin tight capris and flip-flops, I may have to disappoint you on that count as well. Someone already did that, and without a lot of success. Yes, she attracted the attention of everyone, but it was not in a good way. I confess that I gasped each time I caught sight of her, and my friend murmured repeatedly, "Oh, that is just asking for trouble!" I see that there are all sorts of videos online about how to turn your shirt into a tube top, and there is something called an "8 Way Tube Top", and that scares me. I don't want to dwell on the negative, but please, promise me that you will throw out those tube top shirts as soon as you are done reading this blog.
What is the one piece of must have fashion this year, you ask? Boots! As I was standing in the line to get through the door, I knew it to be true. Boots were everywhere. High heeled, low heeled, and flat heeled boots; boots with buttons, boots with buckles, boots with laces, and boots with zippers; boots with pants tucked in, boots on the outside of the pants, and boots with dresses and skirts. Tall boots outnumbered short boots, but short boots held their own. They came in every color and many fabrics. Riding boots, cowboy boots, dress boots, and boots I don't know the name of the style.
I have already begun my search for this year's hot fashion item, and it led me, the skinflint, to the mall. That really wasn't why I was there, but while in a popular sporting goods department store, I spotted a tall pair of black leather boots with buttons on the back. Being my size, black, and real leather were huge attractions, but the biggest draw was, of course, the red price tag. I tried them on and indeed, they were very comfortable. Looking down at my feet, I noticed that the boot foot looked a lot larger than my shoe foot. Hunched over, holding my pant-leg pulled up to expose the entire boot shaft, as well as as my pasty white knee, I stumped across the floor to a mirror. My observation was correct: the boot was shaped in such a way that I looked like I belonged in a German army. Combined with the size of my foot, not even the red sticker could convince me to make the purchase. I may have wiped a tear from my eye as I placed the pair back on the shelf, but it was probably more because of the discount than anything else. The search continues.
Don't you have a promise to keep?
The End of the Sparkly Butt Drama As I Know It
Since the last post, I have been asked by many people if I attained success in the Sparkly Butt Challenge. In most cases I wouldn't say because I hadn't yet posted and I wanted You, Dear Reader, to be one of the first to know how it all ended.
I had received several messages via the miracle of different forms of technology from Kind Readers, rooting me on and giving me hints as to where I might find the perfect pair of Sparkly Butt Jeans. Buckle (or is it Buckles? I worry about this sort of thing), I was told, would have enough sparkle and bling to win a thousand challenges, and would even come long enough to reach the floor, were I to try them on. I did hear a murmur about spendiness, and as I have already confessed to you about being a skinflint, I can also admit that I was a tad put off about Buckle and the possible dent it could put in my pocketbook. I had also heard from several Savvy Shoppers that the outlets had possibility. So on the very day of the SBJ Challenge, I ignored my all-important TO DO List and dashed down to the outlet stores once again.
At the outlet store, I carefully perused the wide selection and finally settled on six pairs to try on. I had been alerted to some jeans that were very sparkly, but also very trendy (read this as "young") by a concerned reader. Of course I can be as trendy as the next person, but there are times when I draw the line. For one thing, these jeans whose brand I will not reveal, had a zipper that I swear started at the crotch and was only 2 inches long. My non-teenager fingers could barely get a grip on the pull tab, let alone actually zip the pants. One thing leads to the next: this meant that the waistband was lower than my waist by a considerable amount. As I stood there in those tight teenager jeans, with my orange underpants billowing out of the top, I drew the line. There is nothing trendy about orange underpants puffing out of the top of one's jeans.
The next pairs of jeans that I donned were unremarkable, but as I was turning this way and that, shading my eyes from the glints of the sequins and jewels that were decorating my derriere, I thought how ironic it is that denim, the go-to fabric for ranchers, farmers and cowboys through the ages, is being decorated with jewels, sequins, and other sharp and shiny objects. What cowboy would jump on his horse wearing sparkly butt jeans? He would either scrape up his saddle or scratch up his horse. Neither would be an option for a real cowboy, in my opinion.
I finally did settle on a pair of sparkly butt jeans, but they were not like what I predicted I would buy. Subtly decorated on one pocket, I met the Sparkly Butt Jeans Challenge head-on. Yes, there are certain underpants that have to be worn with these jeans, but it's a small price to pay. For those of you familiar with my family motto, I was able to stay true to that, as well. My challenger praised me heartily for my success, and assured me that these new duds were at least one hundred times better than the jeans I wore to the event last year (remember the hand-me-downs from my mom?).
As I proudly strolled through the doors of the Capital Food and Wine Fest, my eyes scanned the room for more of the Sparkly Butt Jeans. Alas, they are no longer In. There were very few SB Jeans in attendance. I am now in the hunt for a new pair of boots!
I had received several messages via the miracle of different forms of technology from Kind Readers, rooting me on and giving me hints as to where I might find the perfect pair of Sparkly Butt Jeans. Buckle (or is it Buckles? I worry about this sort of thing), I was told, would have enough sparkle and bling to win a thousand challenges, and would even come long enough to reach the floor, were I to try them on. I did hear a murmur about spendiness, and as I have already confessed to you about being a skinflint, I can also admit that I was a tad put off about Buckle and the possible dent it could put in my pocketbook. I had also heard from several Savvy Shoppers that the outlets had possibility. So on the very day of the SBJ Challenge, I ignored my all-important TO DO List and dashed down to the outlet stores once again.
At the outlet store, I carefully perused the wide selection and finally settled on six pairs to try on. I had been alerted to some jeans that were very sparkly, but also very trendy (read this as "young") by a concerned reader. Of course I can be as trendy as the next person, but there are times when I draw the line. For one thing, these jeans whose brand I will not reveal, had a zipper that I swear started at the crotch and was only 2 inches long. My non-teenager fingers could barely get a grip on the pull tab, let alone actually zip the pants. One thing leads to the next: this meant that the waistband was lower than my waist by a considerable amount. As I stood there in those tight teenager jeans, with my orange underpants billowing out of the top, I drew the line. There is nothing trendy about orange underpants puffing out of the top of one's jeans.
The next pairs of jeans that I donned were unremarkable, but as I was turning this way and that, shading my eyes from the glints of the sequins and jewels that were decorating my derriere, I thought how ironic it is that denim, the go-to fabric for ranchers, farmers and cowboys through the ages, is being decorated with jewels, sequins, and other sharp and shiny objects. What cowboy would jump on his horse wearing sparkly butt jeans? He would either scrape up his saddle or scratch up his horse. Neither would be an option for a real cowboy, in my opinion.
I finally did settle on a pair of sparkly butt jeans, but they were not like what I predicted I would buy. Subtly decorated on one pocket, I met the Sparkly Butt Jeans Challenge head-on. Yes, there are certain underpants that have to be worn with these jeans, but it's a small price to pay. For those of you familiar with my family motto, I was able to stay true to that, as well. My challenger praised me heartily for my success, and assured me that these new duds were at least one hundred times better than the jeans I wore to the event last year (remember the hand-me-downs from my mom?).
As I proudly strolled through the doors of the Capital Food and Wine Fest, my eyes scanned the room for more of the Sparkly Butt Jeans. Alas, they are no longer In. There were very few SB Jeans in attendance. I am now in the hunt for a new pair of boots!
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