Now that I have challenged you to rush out and find yourself an awesome pair of sparkly-butt jeans, I feel obligated to share some pertinent information regarding your new purchase.
It turns out that sparkly-butt jeans are not the be-all and the end-all (I could keep up the puns all day). As you are delighting in your diamond-decorated derriere, you may not be aware of the damage it is capable of doing. As you are reveling in the reflection of your rhinestoned rump, it's possible that you aren't respecting the ravage that can be realized.
I'm talking about upholstery! I'm referring to your great-grandmother's wooden chairs! They must be harbored from those hardwared heinies. Case in point: my friend had company at her house one day. They both had bedecked behinds. (I know what you are thinking, that they were both women. WRONG! Men are jumping on the beveled bum bandwagon, too! This was a man and a woman.) When they left, my friend noticed that her beautiful wooden chairs were scratched to high heaven! The cause? The trinketed tushes of the two! They had squirreled their sequined seats around so much that the chairs were spoiled.
Do you have heirloom furniture with delicate, irreplaceable upholstery? Do you have a leather couch or recliner? How about leather seats in your car? All of these could be blemished by a baubled breech. One scratch on the leather, one rip of that silk, one snag of the fabric is all it takes. No longer will you be admiring those allotrope asses. As your friends and acquaintances stock up on sparkly-butt jeans, you will be investing in an acrylic-coated, woven polyester fabric (I recommend one called TOP GUN, manufactured by Marchem CFI, and no, I don't own stock. Yet.) which is tear, abrasion, and puncture resistant. As this comes in a wide variety of popular colors, you will have no trouble stitching seat covers for all of your furniture, to protect it from the pearled posteriors of fashion.
My challenge to you still stands. I am still rooting for you to find your sparkly-butt jeans before they become available in the outlets (you know what that means! If you don't, go back and read Outletmania.). Just make informed decisions about where you sit and who is allowed to sit on your furniture.
The Sparkly-Butt Jeans Challenge
About a year ago, I attended a fantastic local food and wine fest with friends. We try to attend every year, as it is always a special treat to cruise the booth-packed aisles of dozens of wineries, aimlessly wander and smell the sensational scents from the restaurant booths, and peek into the special room of decadence. This last room houses the famous German bakery booth, the truffles booth, and a champagne booth, to describe just a few of the occupants. The lighting is dim and the music is soft, and there are chairs to rest your weary feet. It is tempting just to camp out there and never go home again.
On the day in question, my friend and I had decided that we would only use our wine scrips on skinny bottles; that is to say, dessert wines. Why try our luck at random wines with pretty labels when there was so much dessert wine available? On our new quest, we had the most fun we've ever had at that event. Never mind that dessert wines typically are off the top of the alcohol-content charts. We tried every berry wine: cranberry, raspberry, blackberry; caramel apple wine (which was exquisite when heated a little bit), hazelnut wine, coffee port, and late harvest syrah. There were chocolate wines, ice wines, and there was mead.
While we were taking a much-needed break in our marathon quest, we enjoyed some food and some people watching. With the fare being top-quality, there is a certain type of clientele at this event. Every woman is sporting a dressy-casual look, while the men try hard to look as if they didn't think about their clothes, when in fact they did. In short, the women all have stylishly colored hair, lots of jewelry, big purses, tight jeans and high heels, while the men, let's face it, all look clean and comfortable.
Living on the Ridge, you can imagine that I don't have a lot of access to the trends of the day. Oh Attentive Reader, you know that I am glued to the TLC show What Not To Wear, and that for several years I was intrigued by Oprah's endorsements of the Not Your Daughters Jeans jean, and you read how I became a true believer in the trouser jeans. But a lot of those TLC shows are re-runs, and Oprah is not even on anymore, and the trouser jeans are being sold in the outlet stores. It doesn't take a junior detective to realize that style on the Ridge is a few years behind.
People watching at the food and wine fest was the perfect place to get caught up on fashion trends. I learned that big purses with chains and links and metal accessories for handles are In, bare feet in any sort of heel are In, toenail polish is In, long hair is In, lipstick of any loud color is In, and cleavage is In. I also noticed that everyone's jeans had decorations on the pockets, much like when I was in the seventh grade. However, contrary to the stitched designs of the 70s, today's pockets' designs shimmer. My friend and I sat up and took note.
Everyone had shiny sitters; bejewelled buttocks; brilliant bums; twinkling tushes; bedazzled backsides; flashing fannies. Those jeans sporting the sequins seemed to come in all sizes and colors and styles. It seemed that having "junk in the trunk" was In, and emphasizing that with booty bling was hip. My friend and I began to feel very plain, undecorated and dull. It was when I sadly whispered that I was wearing some hand-me-down jeans from my mom that she threw down the gauntlet. "When I see you in one month", she hissed, "you had better be wearing some Sparkly-Butt Jeans!" I stammered and stuttered and squeaked a lot of things about not ever going shopping ("That's the point!"), not being able to find them long enough ("Not an excuse!"), and not knowing where to begin looking for them. It was then that she confessed to me that she already had a pair of Sparkly-Butt Jeans. This was made not to boast her superiority in spotting fashion trends, but to assure me that even I should be able to find a vendor of Sparkly-Butt Jeans.
In that next month I made an effort to find some Sparkly-Butt Jeans. I of course went to all of the outlets first, with no success. This was actually a hopeful sign, meaning that they weren't out of style yet, and therefore not being hawked at half price. I moved on to the mall, which housed the big guns of retailers, Macy's and Penney's. I did find Sparkly-Butt Jeans in those establishments, but as I suspected from the beginning, they were too short for me, or in the style of Jeggings, which do not look appropriate on anyone over the age of twelve. As the month's end came closer and closer, I was frantic to successfully complete my mission. I ran myself ragged in pursuit of those Sparkly-Butt Jeans, and probably lost a few friends and family members because of them.
You, my Faithful Reader, are probably on your shimmering seat, wondering if I won the Challenge of the Sparkly-Butt Jeans. Sadly, my glutes are not glimmering today. This does not mean I have given up! As the next food and wine fest nears, I am redoubling my efforts to find my Sparkly-Butt Jeans. I aim to sashay my sparkles through this year's crowd. Additionally, I challenge you, Reader, to go out and find Sparkly-Butt Jeans of your very own.
On the day in question, my friend and I had decided that we would only use our wine scrips on skinny bottles; that is to say, dessert wines. Why try our luck at random wines with pretty labels when there was so much dessert wine available? On our new quest, we had the most fun we've ever had at that event. Never mind that dessert wines typically are off the top of the alcohol-content charts. We tried every berry wine: cranberry, raspberry, blackberry; caramel apple wine (which was exquisite when heated a little bit), hazelnut wine, coffee port, and late harvest syrah. There were chocolate wines, ice wines, and there was mead.
While we were taking a much-needed break in our marathon quest, we enjoyed some food and some people watching. With the fare being top-quality, there is a certain type of clientele at this event. Every woman is sporting a dressy-casual look, while the men try hard to look as if they didn't think about their clothes, when in fact they did. In short, the women all have stylishly colored hair, lots of jewelry, big purses, tight jeans and high heels, while the men, let's face it, all look clean and comfortable.
Living on the Ridge, you can imagine that I don't have a lot of access to the trends of the day. Oh Attentive Reader, you know that I am glued to the TLC show What Not To Wear, and that for several years I was intrigued by Oprah's endorsements of the Not Your Daughters Jeans jean, and you read how I became a true believer in the trouser jeans. But a lot of those TLC shows are re-runs, and Oprah is not even on anymore, and the trouser jeans are being sold in the outlet stores. It doesn't take a junior detective to realize that style on the Ridge is a few years behind.
People watching at the food and wine fest was the perfect place to get caught up on fashion trends. I learned that big purses with chains and links and metal accessories for handles are In, bare feet in any sort of heel are In, toenail polish is In, long hair is In, lipstick of any loud color is In, and cleavage is In. I also noticed that everyone's jeans had decorations on the pockets, much like when I was in the seventh grade. However, contrary to the stitched designs of the 70s, today's pockets' designs shimmer. My friend and I sat up and took note.
Everyone had shiny sitters; bejewelled buttocks; brilliant bums; twinkling tushes; bedazzled backsides; flashing fannies. Those jeans sporting the sequins seemed to come in all sizes and colors and styles. It seemed that having "junk in the trunk" was In, and emphasizing that with booty bling was hip. My friend and I began to feel very plain, undecorated and dull. It was when I sadly whispered that I was wearing some hand-me-down jeans from my mom that she threw down the gauntlet. "When I see you in one month", she hissed, "you had better be wearing some Sparkly-Butt Jeans!" I stammered and stuttered and squeaked a lot of things about not ever going shopping ("That's the point!"), not being able to find them long enough ("Not an excuse!"), and not knowing where to begin looking for them. It was then that she confessed to me that she already had a pair of Sparkly-Butt Jeans. This was made not to boast her superiority in spotting fashion trends, but to assure me that even I should be able to find a vendor of Sparkly-Butt Jeans.
In that next month I made an effort to find some Sparkly-Butt Jeans. I of course went to all of the outlets first, with no success. This was actually a hopeful sign, meaning that they weren't out of style yet, and therefore not being hawked at half price. I moved on to the mall, which housed the big guns of retailers, Macy's and Penney's. I did find Sparkly-Butt Jeans in those establishments, but as I suspected from the beginning, they were too short for me, or in the style of Jeggings, which do not look appropriate on anyone over the age of twelve. As the month's end came closer and closer, I was frantic to successfully complete my mission. I ran myself ragged in pursuit of those Sparkly-Butt Jeans, and probably lost a few friends and family members because of them.
You, my Faithful Reader, are probably on your shimmering seat, wondering if I won the Challenge of the Sparkly-Butt Jeans. Sadly, my glutes are not glimmering today. This does not mean I have given up! As the next food and wine fest nears, I am redoubling my efforts to find my Sparkly-Butt Jeans. I aim to sashay my sparkles through this year's crowd. Additionally, I challenge you, Reader, to go out and find Sparkly-Butt Jeans of your very own.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)