Cover Your Mouth!!!

I'm a germophobe.  I have been for a long time.  They say that the first step to getting better is admitting that you have a problem.  I don't like to take bites off of other people's food, and I don't want anyone attempting bites off of mine.  I don't share beverages and I know that re-dipping is a cardinal sin (see Forbidden Act).  I think feet - my own included - are incredibly creepy and if I had my way, flip flops would be abolished and replaced by protective, thick socks and heavy boots.  The protection is not FOR the feet, but FROM them.  I supply all the sinks in my house with anti-bacterial soap, against my pharmacist brother's medically sound advice that it kills good germs as well as bad.  In the same vein, I have hand sanitizer on my desk at work, in my house, in my car, in my back pack, and in a handlebar bag on my bike.  I'm a hand sanitizer junkie.

I consider hand sanitizer to be the be-all and the end-all, and it has multiple uses besides creating the apocalypse for all germs, good and evil, on my hands.  For example, it is very handy when One is logging and needs to remove pitch from One's hands (if you are wondering why One would be logging, you haven't read this blog very thoroughly).  Ditto for anything else that is sticky, including those nasty price tags that you try to remove from gifts before you give them.  Also the unpleasant smear and residue that is left behind, after you have picked away the nasty price tag.  Gum on your fingers?  Hand sanitizer is the answer!  Your pen exploded?  Hand sanitizer is a great option!  Leftover residue from that sandwich you ate in the car?  Hand sanitizer!  Slug slime?  Hand sanitizer!  Between frequent sanitization and washing constantly, I would argue that I have the cleanest hands around.

The other night I saw that the World's Dirtiest Man was showing on the Discovery channel.  I was drawn to the program like a moth to the light.  I was repulsed, yet could not tear myself away.  I was mesmerized by the disgusting truth that no matter how clean I think I am, I am surrounded by, and covered with, germs.  It was hosted by Mike Rowe, the host of the popular program, Dirty Jobs.

The first thing that I learned was to always put the lid down before flushing the toilet.  The scientist on the program turned off the bathroom lights and turned on his special scientist light and then flushed the toilet, and along with millions of other viewers, I was horrified to see thousands of tiny droplets propelled up into the air from the toilet.  These tiny droplets flew all over the bathroom in question, and even had the nerve to invade Mike Rowe's toothbrush.  I'll let you do the rest of the math on that one.  My mind immediately went to the automatic flusher that we have at work.  Still relatively new to the employees, it startles most of us with its quick response.  With my new knowledge about flushing, I am now falling over myself to get out of the stall before I am showered by, and with, the invisible germs from a community toilet.

Next, I learned that what my 1st grader told me last year is true:  a human's mouth is dirtier than a dog's mouth.  On a filth scale of 1 - 30, with below 9 being very sanitary, and above 30 being too germy to eat off of, the dog's mouth tested at 22.  Mike Rowe's mouth was not exactly off the chart, but it was at a disgusting 31, a number that would shut down a restaurant.  He didn't sugar coat his protests, pointing out that the dog's mouth could not possibly be cleaner than his, as it licks its hiney.  The scientist stuck to the facts and insisted that these results were consistent with other, more scientific studies.

All beliefs regarding covering one's mouth during a cough or a sneeze were confirmed.  A woman  purposely coughed on Mike Rowe's face and then he was swabbed and measured against that filth scale I talked about earlier.  His forehead measured 38.  Interestingly, a cough can travel at 55 mph.  You can be the life of the party with that sort of trivia.  Add to it that a sneeze can travel at 100 mph, and you may even pick up a date at that party (besides some nasty germs, if you are on the other end of that sneeze).  You guessed it, the woman then was coerced to sneeze on Mike's face.  This time he topped out at 45.  Pretty gross.

I can't even begin to discuss the demodicids that live on your forehead and in the follicles of your eyebrows because it makes my skin crawl so badly that my hands shake and I can't type.  Nor do I wish to elaborate on the bed bug situation in America or the millions of dust mites that live in your sheets and eat dead skin.  At this moment I am making such a face of raw repulsion that I can't even see the monitor.  I am secretly hoping that the wrinkles and scrunches made by my face are trapping and suffocating the forehead monsters.

If you find these hygenic revelations interesting, you may wish to visit the Dirtiest Man in the World website and see some clips from the show, or take quizzes about parasites and microorganisms.  If you need me, I will be in self-imposed quarantine, scrubbing with anti-bacterial soap, rinsing with bleach water, and following up with a hand sanitizer.