OUTLETMANIA

It's no secret that I love a good bargain. Is there such a thing as a BAD bargain? It is in the same vein as putting up food for later, making sure that the woodshed is stuffed to the gills, building at least one Holz Hausen. I can't quite put my finger on what the common thread is, I hope it isn't STINGY. I don't mind THRIFTY, or even PENNYPINCHING, but there is something mean and negative about stingy, and even worse about MISERLY. For me, the good bargain, the wood in the shed and the food in the freezer all represent being prepared and making use of what I have, and it is nothing about keeping it solely for myself and not sharing. I will happily, even eagerly, share my stores with you, in all senses of the word. I digress.

You can imagine the electric thrill that surged through me when the factory outlets came to town: London Fog, Fieldcrest Cannon (sadly that one didn't stay long), Levi, Pfalzgraff (didn't stay, either), Coach, Ralph Lauren, Nike, Hanes, Lee... I can hear tinkly, mysteriously enchanting music when I'm thinking of just their names.

The benefit to living so close to factory outlets is, of course, the deals. A person with a savvy eye for prices will never shop anywhere else. Why go out of town when Eddie Bauer lives so close? Hanes Leggs Bali is right next door, no need to ever buy underwear out of town. Need shoes? Bass is here and so is Nike, along with Famous Footwear. Going somewhere that deems a new dress? Try Dress Barn! In the whirlwind frenzy of Christopher & Banks, Paper Factory, Helly Hansen, Totes, Children's Place, Kitchen Collection and Farberware, I have begun to suspect a disadvantageous aspect to the factory outlet mall.

Let me back up and share with you yet another one of my countless TV addictions: the TLC show What Not To Wear. I have stayed up many a night to watch marathons of fashionistas Stacy and Clinton tear down some trashily-dressed girl and then re-build her as a classy broad with heels and grown-up clothes and accessories. I have not gone so far as taking written notes, but I have made numerous mental notes.

One such note that I will share with you is the beauty of the trouser jean, and how when you buy them you must fit them to the widest part of your body (generally the hip, but not always). The wide leg of the magical trouser jean then flows straight down to the ground, it does not suck in to accentuate what may or may not be going on in the thigh area, nor does it give anyone a hint to the nature and orientation of the knees. With its straight-as-an-arrow feature, Stacy and Clinton claim this to be super slimming. Now you know the allure of the trouser jean.

When the trouser jean first was making its debut with Stacy and Clinton on TLC, you can imagine the throngs of shoppers rushing to the outlets to buy this life-changing apparel. Unfortunately, it hadn't yet hit the outlet market. It was still making the rounds on the runways and in the chic, hip, trendy stores, with its chic, hip and trendy price tag. Shoppers were turned away disappointed and empty handed.

Fast forward several years. Guess what is making an appearance at the outlets? That's right! The long-coveted trouser jean! Here is where the downside to the outlet comes into my story. Now all of those shoppers who longed for the trouser jean and its ability to change one's destiny have once again swarmed the outlets. This time they have come away successful! But if they watch the runway, and peek in the chic, hip, trendy stores, they will discover the truth behind factory outlets. The trouser jean is no longer popular. Now it's all about the skinny jean, the legging, the jegging, and the bootcut. Never mind about knock-knees or bow-legs, pour yourself into those tiny pants and don't plan on sitting down any time soon. Don't drop anything, because you'll split the back of them trying to pick it up again, not to mention give people behind you way too much information. I hope nobody steals your purse because your stride will be too limited to get up any speed when chasing the thief in those stylish slacks.

In the end I got my trouser jean, and at such a good bargain that I wanted to crow from the rooftops (I probably did, is that why you're reading this?). As I proudly strutted around in my new duds, I realized that they weren't miraculous, fate-forming britches. They were last year's cast-offs, culled from the racks to make room for the new, swanky, skinny bottoms that promised to alter one's reality once one squeezed into them (they didn't say HOW one's reality will be altered; I'm thinking of some circulatory issues to start with). No matter, I still felt glamorously svelte in my wide-leg trousers, showing off only what I wanted while camouflaging the rest.

I wonder if I'll be trumpeting the wonders of the jegging next year. I'll bet I can get quite a deal at the outlet mall....