If you are blessed with two X chromosomes and are over the age of, let's just say 30 years, chances are that you have had the experience of getting fitted for a supportive undergarment. More than likely, it's an experience that you were hoping to forget. It's not something that would generally be brought up at the water cooler at work, or even at the lunch table (please see This Is Not Table Talk).
It was Oprah who shouted from the rooftops of NBC that most of the women in America were not wearing the correct foundation garment size. Alarmed women everywhere rushed to the nearest department store and surrendered to the Fitting Specialists. For good reason, as it turns out, as wearing ill-fitting shape wear can be detrimental to one's posture, wreck one's back, make one look bigger (in a negative way), and even deform one's bosom. I don't need to mention how unattractive it can make one look and feel to be sagging down with no support whatsoever.
With that said, one should be happy to be fitted and learn the correct way to measure for a proper fit. It doesn't seem to work out that way. The actual measuring is the least humiliating bit of the ordeal. Once one is alone in the fitting room, it can be similar to being a prisoner, at the mercy of the Professional Fitter. The Professional returns with an assortment of brassieres for the prisoner to try on. The Professional leaves with the promise of returning soon. The prisoner wrangles on an undergarment. Part of the problem is that prisoners have not been suitably trained in what Ill Fitting means and what a Proper Fit looks like. The prisoners don't know why it puckers here, pinches there, pokes out, or digs in. The prisoner waits expectantly for the Professional to return to the dressing room and answer questions regarding the puckers, pinches and pokes. Meanwhile, the prisoner is stuck in the fitting room staring at her half-dressed self in the mirror. Often times this is not something that the prisoner wants to be looking at. There are probably very few women over the age of 30 who look good under fluorescent lights, wearing only an improperly fitting undergarment and pants. Nobody should have to look at that.
After knocking and gaining entry, the Professional takes an appraising glance at the prisoner. Her diagnosis is peppered with vocabulary such as Demi Cup, Back Smoothing, Bridge, Wireless, Minimizing, Figure Enhancing, Push Up, Posture Improving, Padded, Convertible, Racerback... it can be overwhelming to the prisoner. The Professional assures the prisoner that she will return shortly. The prisoner faces a dilemma: disrobe and wait around half naked, or wait in the ill-fitting gear? Either way, she is still trapped in the little room with the big mirror. The Professional never returns promptly. This process has the potential to continue for quite a while, depending upon the prisoner's patience and the number of prisoners being attended by the Professional.
All of this torture is worth it, however, when the prisoner is paroled and walks out of the store with a bag full of properly fitting garments. These garments promise to lift, shape, enhance, minimize, and support. They can make a person look slimmer, seem more youthful, appear taller, and run faster, not to mention cook better. Surely, all of these positive outcomes outweigh the negatives, so dash out there and get fit!
Hilarious!
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