After reading the title of this post, you are probably wondering if you will have to wait a few weeks to read the next chapter. No, Concerned Reader. "To be continued" would be music to my ears. You see, everything that I love is being discontinued.
It all started with my coffee. For the past twenty-something years, I have been drinking General Foods International Coffee. For a while, I was a Cafe Vienna girl, but for the majority of the time span I sipped Orange Cappuccino every morning. I am pretty sure that it is what runs in my veins. For a while I was slowed down by what I would call a sensitivity to caffeine, but a small beta blocker every morning fixed me right up and I was able to glug with abandon. A few years ago, the Orange Cappuccino disappeared from the grocery stores. In its place appeared Orange Latte. Orange Latte fizzed when the water mixed with the powder (did I mention that this coffee is instant?) and it had a peculiar orange candy flavor. I searched the markets for my beloved Orange Cappuccino, and I told friends and relatives all over the Americas to keep their eyes peeled. I searched the internet tirelessly, hoping to find rogue, outdated boxes of my morning mud. I even joined a couple of websites where all of the contributors were wailing and bemoaning the loss of their favorite flavor of coffee, Orange Cappuccino. Mornings were not complete with the substitute coffees I tried. I was pretty grumpy trying to get by on Cafe Vienna and Swiss Mocha. My colleagues even had the nerve to tease me about it, threatening to post bogus comments on my Orange Cappuccino websites. As suddenly as Orange Cappuccino disappeared from the grocery stores, the Orange Latte was gone and the Orange Cafe hit the scene. My internet friends continue to complain about the Orange Cafe, but I am happy. My flavor is back, but it does not seem to be as easily found as before. I signed up with Amazon.com for a subscribe and save program, in which I would be sent a certain number of cans every month automatically. After I received the first shipment, my subscription was cancelled. My coffee is no longer eligible for that program. I continue to search all of the local grocery stores for my new flavor. When I find it, I usually empty the shelf, buying 10 or 12 cans at a time. I have tried swinging deals with the manager at a local store when I found out he was my former student. I have begged the buyers at another store to buy my flavor. It never seems to work out. I have gone to extreme measures to acquire my afternoon ambrosia, even buying trunkloads of coffee from a nearby state. I finally found it at an irresistible price on the website of a national chain store at which I have refused to shop for many years. Shipping was free. I am ashamed to tell you, Discreet Reader, that I ordered nearly 60 cans.
My next good thing that became discontinued was my foundation undergarment. If you are of the female persuasion, you probably know what a nuisance it is to get fitted for this sort of thing. Once you know what works for you, you stick with it. Why fix it if it is not broken, right? Suffice it to say that I was quite upset upon hearing the news, and before I left the store, I ordered every one of them that I could, color was not an issue.
Last year I found an eyeliner that I loved. It was a fat pencil that felt good in my hand, it did not make my eyes water, it stayed on all day, and I liked the color, Black Frost. My pencil got shorter and shorter, and became a tiny stub. I began looking for a new pencil in the summer. Every time I went to the store, I hung around the makeup department, trying to remember the name of the brand. I drove the clerk nuts, always asking her about a "fat eyeliner pencil". I repeated the phrase "fat pencil" countless times, but it helped neither her memory nor her inventory. Even last week I made an appearance in the cosmetic department, finally armed with the right brand name (Maybelline) and the color. There were no fat pencils anywhere. Then one day I had a novel idea. I looked on the internet, hoping to find a box of discontinued, fat eyeliner pencils. Joyous Reader, I hit the jackpot! I found my fat pencils, in my preferred color, at a terrific price (you know what a cheapskate I am), and free shipping. I am not ashamed to tell you, Dear Reader, that I ordered 10 fat pencils. I was on top of the world.
I grew up playing with an abacus. It had colorful beads, and it was fun to click the beads back and forth. It was functional, too. One time I was playing with balancing my mom's checkbook, and I found $100 for her (I amused myself in unusual ways). As you know, the abacus is not widely popular in this day and age. My old abacus is long gone, but I am now on the hunt for a new one. Not only will I be using it to balance my checkbook, it will be vital in keeping track of my stockpile of Orange Cafe, supportive underwear, and Black Frost fat eyeliner pencils.
i laughed out loud at this one!
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