Intuitive and detail-oriented reader, you know my profession. You know that all day long I am in a position of authority, and in that position I am giving orders with hardly a second thought. In my own small corner of the universe, I am in charge of the Future, and on my watch, the Future is acquiring some social skills. By Gum! In my zeal to promote good behavior, I fear that it has spread to the other corners of my universe, in which my enthusiasm may not be so appreciated.
Due to the nature of my job, I have no problem handing a sniffling, perfect stranger a Kleenex. I may even murmur encouragingly, "Here. Blow your nose." A person with the hiccups will hear me snarl, "Go get a drink of water!" I am the first to shush a noisy crowd when a speaker is struggling to be heard, and I will not hesitate to shout out, "Down in front!", or "Sit down!" to people blocking the view of others. In that same venue I will insist that people raise their hands to address the speaker, and I will endeavor to assist the elocutionist in calling on people who are behaving appropriately. I apologize if I have ever snapped at you, "Don't interrupt!", or worse, "Don't talk when I am talking!". It is all I can do to not order grownups back to the bathroom and demand that they "Wash with soap!" At fast food restaurants I feel a strong inclination to remind patrons to bus their own dishes, and I don't mind adding, "Don't forget that napkin under your chair!" Without thinking, I will give notice to a gum chewer that "I don't want to see it, smell it, or hear it!"
I am not a particularly desirable party guest, as I have been heard to tell boisterous adults to "Use your inside voice!" I unwittingly will remind a person "Excuse me!", if in my presence he burps or erupts in some other sort of bodily function. With the same spirit, I have caught myself barking, "Don't talk with your mouth full!", and, "What do you say?", comes out of my mouth when one receives a gift or compliment from another. "Say it, don't spray it" is also reportedly in my repertoire. Don't worry if there is no room at the table for you, because I will rectify the problem by directing everyone else to "Scootch over!"
Forgiving Reader, it is a curse that I, and some of my fellow teachers, bear every day. I know you will understand if you hear me reminding someone to eat his dinner before asking for dessert, and you will not hold it against me if you catch me sternly counting to five, accompanied by a veiled threat of a spanking.
Now, stop rolling your eyes, take your feet off of that desk, and get back to work.
No comments:
Post a Comment